An Interplay of reality and fantasy

 

I was shivering… It was her! We never really had spoken anything. Just some momentary gazes at times and nothing else at all. But now, she was talking. She was speaking continuously, startling me! She was asking me, “Why did you never make an attempt to talk to me? Were the hardly concealed gazes sufficient to satisfy the desire and desperation? Why did you let me go? You’re aware that you could have saved me right? Why didn’t you? Was your love fake? Was it just physical? Why…”

I was dumbstruck! I didn’t have any answer for her questions! Or maybe I did. Yes, I knew there were possibilities of me saving her! But, this slight possibility contained a complex measure. I should have had to talk to her, become friends with her, impress her, mesmerize her, make her mine. I should have had got her so much into me that she’d never desert me even for a moment! Only then could I have had been able to keep her from travelling that day. But little did I know that, that day would hit upon me so soon like a thunderstorm. It was a bolt from the blue. Heartless fate had overpowered me like it always does, abided by its very nature. Rescuing her was an improbable task.

She was quite a charming beauty. A visage that’d grab anyone’s sight for a moment. The gravity she sported was exceptionally irresistible. When I had seen her for the first time at the local bus station, I had missed all my buses, being enthralled by her captivating beauty.  But I had liked her not just because of her external appearance but also because of the inner beauty that I perceived in her. Regardless of the incessant stamping of humanity by the society, she didn’t seem like she was influenced by the inhuman qualities rife among the mass. I had furtively seen her nursing an injured dog which had been ruthlessly beaten by some merciless people. This is just one of the instances which had induced in me, love for her and had confirmed that if we ever got along, I’d sure be treated like that dog. Well, that is a classical pun; The moment I saw her, my blood pump would start pounding like never before and I’d have to abstain from blabbering nonsense in front of her being spellbound by her sight.

After almost five years of admiring her, I had finally made up my mind to shoot from the hip and tell her about my desire to own her. I didn’t know if she’d like me back but I had to let the chips fall where they may. That day, she were to return to the town from a family trip. I had got up early and had performed my ablution. Offered prayers to God and ate my breakfast. I was eager to speak to her for the first time and spill the beans. I was setting my hair by looking into the hand mirror when my phone started singing, ”What would I do without your smart mouth, drawing me in and…..” Yes that was my ringtone. I picked the call but what I heard from the other side got my hand mirror ground shattered. A thousand pieces of mirror reflected my agony. Tears a million; My eyes ran uncontrollably. “What would I do without your smart mouth, drawing me in and you kicking me out.. You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down”. This time it was me singing it. I was whining. She had deserted me even before becoming my dessert.
The bus in which she was travelling had dysfunction of brakes and had fallen off the cliff of a mountain. At the drop of a hat everyone in the bus had collapsed. How cruel of the destiny to engulf my angel. I was not in a condition to get my head around the fact. The blow was so hard that I couldn’t get up from that place at all. I was down in the dumps. Cold water was poured on my desires.

This incident had had such an intense impact on me that I literally had got up from the coma bed after six months. Even after being discharged I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I loved her so much that I underwent depression, appetite wouldn’t bother me, I wanted to die. I could have resorted to tranquillizers or sedatives. But the strongest drug for a human is always another human. I was addicted to her. Nothing other than her would have been able to help me pull myself together. She became my drug and kept me from dying. She started appearing in my dreams. She would caress me and before I could embrace her frosty body, she’d thaw and flow with the river that coursed alongside, abandoning me.
But her appearance itself would suffice. I stopped indulging myself in any kind of worldly activities.

I had started taking sleeping pills in order to be with her all the time. She was my routine now. I had started to feel that the real world was unreal. The fringe between reality and fantasy is very narrow. I was on the verge of the cliff of reality. She was down there, crying out for help. Her lovely eyes were filled with horror. Those twins on her face manifested a hope for rescue. Her ray of hope was me, standing still on the ledge. I wasn’t scared of death, I was scared of losing her. Completely filled with despair. I should have had jumped and saved her. Time is surely vice. There was no way I could reach her before she’d be taken away from me forever. My subconscious mind was still awake in the real world and it already knew that, what I was witnessing was an illusion. The fact being that she was already dead in reality and I was unable to save her, made my subconscious mind undergo a mental breakdown that cracked the ridge and held me back while I had leapt almost. I was stuck in the crack. I so badly hate gravity for this. I could probably have had saved her but had to unwillingly abstain. I could see her bus move in a zig zag motion, signifying the endeavour of the driver to control the bus whose brakes had gone insane. She was still calling out for me. I was screaming, crying, striving to free myself from restraint. But when fate rolls your dice, you either climb up the ladder or fall into the snake’s gut. 
Finally I released myself and jumped off the cliff. But it was late. Her bus too had fallen off the mountain. While I was falling off a cliff she was simultaneously falling off an other. My intake of over dosage of sleeping pills also was working simultaneously. She fell, I fell, my corpse fell off my bed! 
Now, we’re sitting together here on the same cloud. We’re smiling at each other. There are no more questions to be answered. I have her, she has me.

“Baby, it’s so cold here… Can we hug?”

I was shivering.. Death is cold indeed!

-PRANAV

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